I have been writing this column for a few years, and I have interviewed hundreds of people and have heard hundreds of stories.
Nothing in my experience researching this column, or indeed with decades of journalism, compares to the guilt and pain a parent with mental illness feels.
The stigma society attaches to mental illness is one thing, but the guilt and shame one feels are in relation to a community who’s thoughts and fears can, quite frankly, be ignored — though at a cost.
The pain a parent with a mental illness feels is of an entirely different order. And the ways of dealing with it depend on a number of specific, often practical variables.
The type of illness is one such variable.
A very dear friend, who I’ll call Val, is bi-polar.
“When I am in a down cycle, it’s manageable, but when I’m on the manic road, I can become flamboyantly bonkers. I can’t hide that, and the kids…well, they just live in hope that their crazy mum doesn’t embarrass them.”
In Val’s situation, she took the direct route. She taught her three girls about her illness and constantly reminded them that behind the sometimes-dramatic symptoms was the mum they know and love. This was how she dealt with her sense of shame. It does not hurt that she is very, very funny and uses humour in dealing with her kids.
The sky is not quite so clear when the illness presents in more subtle ways.
Depression creeps into family life on quiet cat feet. Over a period of weeks, sadness, lethargy, as well as changes in sleep and eating patterns gradually erode household roles and functioning. In cases like this, the strategy for overcoming shame and maintaining social balance in the family becomes complex.
Getting help is one good way to assuage the stigma. But the question then becomes: Do I reveal to my kids the efforts I’m taking to become happier? Because, maybe more than anything, kids want to know their parents are happy.
I think disclosure and openness about therapy is the best route.
A highly effective way to deal with symptoms of depression is Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Psychotherapy (which I have written about in past columns) which uses meditative practices to deal with the ugly thoughts and emotions common to depressive episodes.
These practices can be shared. They benefit everyone, and it is perfectly appropriate to involve family members in them. Just as we have family meals, we can also have a time for shared meditation.
Jon Kabat-Zinn has written books and authored CD’s that can form the core of a meaningful and inclusive family approach to a parent’s depression.
Beyond being open with the kids, I think it is important to stress that there is no “normal.” This is a tough sell, as kids are under such pressure to conform to values transmitted through advertising and, of course, peer pressure.
Yes, you are different. Your family is different. But this ought to be a cause for celebration, not shame.
(Note: Do not be offended by Val’s language. These are her words; she owns them. I wrote a column on this a while back. Contact [email protected] if you want a copy of that piece.)
Editor’s note: Hugh Macaulay is vice president of the Arrowhead Clubhouse Society board of directors. He writes monthly about mental health issues witha focus on the Sunshine Coast.
