I often work with people who are exploring how to set healthy boundaries whether in their relationships, work environments or even with themselves. While pop psychology has done a decent job of bringing boundary-setting into the public conversation, actually implementing it and distinguishing between a healthy limit and avoiding a difficult situation can be much murkier. So, what is this boundary-setting business all about, anyway?
A common misconception is that setting a boundary means cutting someone off or putting up a wall. While disconnection might be appropriate in some situations, boundary-setting isn’t fundamentally about shutting people out. On the contrary, it’s rooted in assertive communication. This means expressing your needs clearly and respectfully — letting someone know that something isn’t working for you while still remaining open to connection.
Let’s consider a general example. Imagine someone begins to notice a pattern in a friendship: they’re always the one initiating contact and maintaining the relationship. At one point this felt okay, but as life has gotten busier, the dynamic now feels one-sided and exhausting. When they do meet up, the conversation revolves mostly around the other person, leaving little space for them to share what’s going on in their own life. Although they still care about their friend, the relationship no longer feels sustainable or reciprocal. So how might this person set a boundary?
The first step is gaining clarity. What are they really needing? More space to talk about their own experiences? More balanced effort in staying connected? Or perhaps deeper emotional support during a challenging time? Once that need is identified, the next step is to communicate it clearly.
“I” statements are one of the most effective ways to express your needs without triggering defensiveness. For example: “Lately I’ve felt like there isn’t much space for me to share how I’m doing when we get together. Do you have the capacity right now to listen and offer me some support?” You might find that your friend wasn’t aware of the dynamic and appreciated the feedback and check-in, or maybe this friend just isn’t in space to meet you halfway so you may choose to reach out less often, seek more balanced connections elsewhere, or simply adjust your expectations.
Another place boundaries often come up is in the workplace. Here, we might be navigating not just individual dynamics, but also cultural, institutional or systemic structures that don’t always account for everyone’s needs. One common challenge is around capacity, how much a person can reasonably take on in their role. If you’re working in an environment where open conversations about workload and well-being aren’t the norm, advocating for yourself can feel uncomfortable, even risky.
But just like in our friendship example, the first step is getting clear on what you’re experiencing. Take time to reflect on your stress levels, workload, available resources, and the work culture around you. Sometimes, setting boundaries also means managing our own inner expectations, like noticing when we’re pushing ourselves too hard or engaging in unhelpful self-talk. From there, identify who the appropriate person is to speak with, and consider how to approach the conversation from a grounded and constructive place.
Assertive communication is key, it isn’t about blaming or venting frustration, but rather about naming your experience and what you need moving forward. If that feels unfamiliar or intimidating, know that you’re not alone. It takes practice, but it can lead to more trusting and collaborative relationships at work.
Relationships, both personal and professional, are dynamic and constantly evolving. What we need to feel healthy, supported, heard, or cared for can shift over time. Cultural norms, systemic barriers, and past experiences also influence how safe or possible it feels to speak up about our needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
Others may not always notice what we’re going through or know how to ask, and that’s okay. This is where tools like assertive communication and boundary-setting become essential. They aren’t just about protecting ourselves, they’re also about nurturing the relationships that matter most and supporting their long-term health. Boundary-setting is a practice, not a one-time fix. Be patient with yourself as you experiment, reflect, and adjust. Like any skill, it strengthens with practice.
Sarah Tesla is a clinical counsellor on the Sunshine Coast who supports the diverse needs of clients in rural and remote communities. This column is informational and is not intended to be a substitute for counselling support or services. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health or substance use, please seek professional support.
