There are as many kinds of grief as there are shades of pebbles on the beach. A natural equalizer, grief and loss do not discriminate – as long as we are capable of feeling, we are all susceptible to the realities of loss, pain and grieving, whether we are young or old, rich or poor, happy or sad, relaxed or frantic.
Having an understanding of grief, accepting that grief is natural and knowing there is support can offer real comfort to make the process of grieving more manageable and maybe even helpful for our personal growth.
We grieve because we love deeply and feel strong attachments to people, places, ideas and material things. When people leave or pass away, when ideas shift, or when things break or disappear, there are strong sensations of disappointment and loss. Our feelings in processing these transitions often manifest as suffering and grief. It’s perfectly human and natural to hurt when things are no longer how we wish them to be, or how they once seemed. We can even grieve our choices, missed opportunities and broken dreams.
Perhaps you’ve heard of the concept of five stages of grief put forward by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Outlined briefly they are: denial and isolation (this is not happening, and I just want to hide); anger(dang it, I’m not ready for this kind of pain so I’m going to lash out at myself and others instead); bargaining (couldn’t I try this or that instead of facing what is?); depression (gosh, this is really hard and I feel so low); and acceptance (yes, this has actually happened and I will now do my best to accept it and move forward).
The thing is, for many of us, the five stages are not sequential at all. We shift in and out of them depending on circumstances, our mood, our support system and day-to-day situations that are completely individual. Understanding the stages as concepts or typical feelings when grieving is helpful, but don’t count on adhering to a sequence or schedule when it comes to dealing with loss.
Grief is like an unexpected guest at your dinner table: a guest who was not invited, but nonetheless has shown up demanding your care and attention. You can deny your grief or try to kick her out, but chances are, you’ll hear the knocking – and sometimes, heavy banging – on your heart’s door. Acknowledging grief and allowing yourself to feel it is an important reminder of all the beloved and invited guests and circumstances in your life and your unique ability to love and honour them. So give yourself plenty of time.
Support during times of grief may be found through reference materials (search local libraries and online), spending time with family and friends, spending time in nature, and counselling and community services such as the Sunshine Coast Hospice Society (coasthospice.com), which facilitates valuable support groups and drop-in sessions for young adults, adults and seniors who have lost loved ones. Reach out and take gentle care if you are grieving.
