Maybe it was too much reading about the creepy Jade Helm 15 military exercises in the southwestern United States, or maybe it was eating that pepperoni pizza before bedtime – whatever it was, I had a terrible dream the other night. Worse than a Brad Benson nightmare.
I dreamt we were invaded from the U.S.
It was quite vivid. The invading force swept across the border, blowing the Peace Arch to smithereens, and secured Vancouver in blitzkrieg fashion. However, in a surprise counter-offensive, the Squamish Nation blew up Lion’s Gate and the Second Narrows bridges. Ground troops, tanks and heavy artillery were stalled at Stanley Park.
With the sound of shots echoing through the halls at BC Ferries’ corporate office, CEO Mike Corrigan ordered the Queen of Surrey scuttled in Horseshoe Bay, where she lay with the crabs.
The Sunshine Coast was cut off, for now.
At a giant open-air town hall in Sechelt’s Spirit Square, battle-dressed chiefs, mayors and sundry stood alongside RCMP Staff Sgt. Vishal Mathura, who addressed the assembled thousands. Citizens had been asked to bring any weapons they had, and the result was amazing. Roberts Creek was second only to Pender Harbour for sheer firepower. Sechelt Mayor Bruce Milne was carrying an old musket and looked mean in a duck-hunting cap. Gibsons Mayor Wayne Rowe carried a big stick. The SCRD’s Garry Nohr and Frank Mauro carried a log. By contrast, warriors from the Sechelt Nation were outfitted in black paramilitary gear, complete with infrared helmets and drone-killing laser harpoons.
Vishal – geared up himself like a Mountie cyborg – deployed the troops in units along the beaches, where workers built bunkers and dug trenches at a feverish pace.
Restaurants, supermarkets, bakeries and community kitchens vied to make the most celebrated chili and coffee for the defenders of the realm. Money was of no import; the usual rules of exchange were forgotten.
The Sunshine Coast was dug in as one, waiting.
And waiting.
We wondered why they weren’t hitting us from the air, and a rumour spread down the lines that the invaders didn’t know where the Sunshine Coast was. And without the ferries, they had no idea how to get here.
The occupation lasted three weeks. Then one day the TVs came back on. The troops had left. The invasion was over and the Coast had been spared.
We learned later that it was Putin who saved us.
