Life is messy. Have you ever wondered how to help a friend who is knee deep in some serious personal muck while you reside on the sidelines, wondering what to do? Here’s a hint: don’t over think it, just reach out as genuinely and as often as you can.
Whether it’s an illness, a death, sickness or domestic drama, you really can’t go wrong if your intention is to lend a helping hand. But if you’re still unsure, here are some examples I can personally attest to as being extremely simple, heartfelt and beneficial.
Reach out. Give a call, send a text, drop by (just for a moment or two), or be a friend in whatever way feels right to you. No matter how grisly, personal, horrible or heartbreaking the situation is, knowing that people care enough to reach out can really make a difference to the person who is hurting. Worried that you aren’t close, trusted or intimate enough? You don’t have to go deep. Especially in a small community like ours, sincere kindness — even from acquaintances — counts too. Just touch base, offer a friendly honk, a light hearted fist bump or an enthusiastic wave, while giving your friend as much space and privacy as they need.
Make a date. It’s quite possible that the only reason I’ve gotten up on Fridays for the past year is because I have a weekly sushi date with two of my best friends in the world. If you can, make a standing offer to cook dinner on Tuesdays, drop the kids on Wednesdays or whatever. Something simple but meaningful to look forward to, is a real blessing to anyone riding waves of chaos.
Offer something concrete, thoughtful and discreet. Two of my dearest friends once sent me a heartfelt and rather hefty bank draft which they referred to as “mad money” for “all those things that you could really use right now (such as legal advice, bodywork, counselling or chocolate) but think you can’t afford.” I balked at first, then got over myself and gratefully purchased a guilt-free gym membership, an hour of legal counsel, some bodywork and ferry tickets. A smaller gift certificate to a spa, health food store, coffee shop or yoga studio would be equally awesome. Pre-packed meals, soup, baked goods and flowers are always welcome too. Can you offer to mow the lawn, take the kids for the evening or pick up a few groceries? Go for it.
Concoct an escape. Sometimes the best way to help is to let your friend flee the madness, if only temporarily. Planning a day trip to Vancouver, a yoga retreat, a weekend in Victoria or a week in San Francisco, could tip the tides from despair to renewal. But it doesn’t have to be a fancy affair. Simply whisking someone away for a cozy cappuccino at a favourite coffee shop is the perfect mental getaway.
Don’t dwell. No doubt your troubled friend spends most of her day thinking and dealing with what’s gone wrong. Don’t be afraid to add some brightness and levity. Share your news and world, while taking time to simply listen to what your friend chooses to disclose to you. You don’t have to offer answers or opinions, just lend an ear. No one needs to dwell on the dark side all the time. Sometimes a little wicked humour, a 30-second dance party, or a shot or two of tequila might be what’s required to lighten an otherwise dark day and mood.
Give a hug. Play if forward. Simply smile. We all have our ups and downs. Why not take a moment to tell someone you think they’re great today, open your arms to offer a hug, buy a tea or coffee for the guy or gal behind you, or smile at a person who looks like they might be a little lonely or having a crappy time.
Take it from me these tiny gestures can go a long way to turning someone’s day around.
