Opening today's big beautiful grad section reminds me that I have a high school reunion this summer. It's time to check out my old classmates and see where they all ended up.
Up until this week, I was looking forward to the experience. Then I discovered an on-line version of the old game show Family Feud, and one of the questions was: "What would keep you from attending a reunion?" I thought the answer to that little beauty was self-evident - money. Apparently, that didn't even crack the list.
For those of you young enough to not be familiar with the show, the premise is pretty simple. A few hundred people in the U.S. are surveyed, asked a mundane question and the top 100 answers are then tallied. It's up to the two families playing the game to get as many of the same answers as the top 100 as possible.
So what, you ask, was the top answer most people would not attend a reunion? It turns out that gaining weight is the big attendance kicker. Which means I now can picture every former grad from South Peace Senior Secondary School looking like Angelina Jolie or, perish the thought, Jane Fonda.
Considering that neither of these esteemed women has more flesh on their wings than a three-pound broiler chicken, I'm not looking forward to the comparison. I am definitely not attending because I'm at my high school weight. The fact that one of my (former) friends once said to me, "I never thought you'd grow up to be so big," tells the whole story.
I do a little better on the second reason folks skip their reunion. It seems many don't have a job and feel a little displaced on the success ladder. (I still think they just can't afford to go.) However, we all know I have a job that I love most days. I discount the form filling and toilet paper changing among those days. And, since surveys that itemize all the professions that people distrust the most rank journalists at or near the top, I can probably lie about just how successful I am and get away with it.
If nothing else, I can quote Yogi Berra with the best of them and pretend I'm intellectual. I know - it's a stretch.
The third reason people stay away comes down to bullying or having no friends in school. I think the best way to get even with those low-lifes is to show up, preferably skinny or wildly successful, and rub their noses in what you turned out to be. And even if you're not a journalist, go ahead and embellish the truth. Most of the bullies, when they stopped mouth breathing, forgot to take up reading, so they'll never find out what you actually do. I'm hoping the mean girl from Grade 8 got her true comeuppance -a whiney, mouthy daughter - then I'll know the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
And what's the last reason for staying home from the big gala? It appears that men and women are afraid of running into their exes at the event. I seriously can't believe that after 40 years some poor, befuddled moron is still pining for a 17-year-old. But the stats on people hooking up with old loves on the Internet would say otherwise. If you're still lost in love, I would suggest: get some Spanx, roll out a book of Yogi's sayings, shoot daggers at the mean girls, and flirt with your long-lost love.
I plan to.
